"Rock up for New Zealand's first day-night Test" has been the call in Auckland this week. Don't be late, it should have added.Those leisurely wandering in towards late afternoon were in for a shock. By the time of the first drinks break, England had lost seven wickets. Chris Woakes barely had his pads on when he walked out to bat. For a fleeting moment it appeared New Zealand would finally hand off one of their most unwanted records: the lowest Test score of 26, made against England at Eden Park in 1955. This on the ground which, last month, had 488 runs in a T20I. The short boundaries weren't much use for England today.
When No. 10 Stuart Broad came to the crease they were still three short of New Zealand's 63-year low. A sliced four through point from No. 9 Craig Overton took them past that ignominy, and later a six from the same batsman over the square-leg boundary ushered England past their lowest ever total of 45. It was grim. There was nothing this poor in the Ashes.
"There have been periods when we've been off for 30 minutes and it's really cost us."
That was Joe Root on the eve of the first Test when reflecting on what England had to improve on after the Ashes. Then, in 94 minutes they were all out. The past week has involved much talk of learning, tinkering and putting right a horrid overseas record that includes nine defeats in the last 11 matches. England's longest winless streak away from home is 12 - they will do well not to equal that now.
Yet, while the scoreline is extreme, the overall position of New Zealand being in control should not really be viewed as anything other than things panning out as per the form guide. Since 2011, only Australia and South Africa have won Test series in this country. New Zealand is a small nation, but on home soil they pack a punch.
On the eve of the Test, Root was asked about the comparison between the Australia pace attack his team faced - Mitchell Starc, Josh Hazlewood and Pat Cummins - and the line-up of New Zealand. He said all the right things about their skill and proven qualities. As well as any of the Australia trio bowled over those five Tests, though, nothing was better than Trent Boult's career-best 6 for 32. He had the ball on a string.
The deliveries to Alastair Cook and Dawid Malan pitched full at off stump and forced the left-handers to play. Yes, there was static footwork, but the outside edge was constantly challenged. The ball to Root was a beauty that shaped back in late and beat a drive far too expansive for the moment. A duck for the England captain after he had bitten the bullet and moved himself up to No. 3. Ben Stokes, playing his first first-class match since early September, was beaten by Boult's skiddy pace and Woakes was nowhere near his drive.
The ball was a different colour, but there were memories of his magnificent spell against Australia at the 2015 World Cup, when he tore out their middle order. He had also prospered in his two previous Tests at Eden Park, taking seven wickets against England in 2013 and six against India in 2014. This is Boult land, whether with white, red or pink ball.
At the other end, his partner-in-crime Tim Southee, who has had to play third-fiddle in recent times behind Boult and Neil Wagner, took 4 for 25. On this occasion, as in another famous World Cup match from 2015 in Wellington, he challenged the batsmen with just enough movement. Mark Stoneman was forced to play full on off stump, Jonny Bairstow bunted a return catch - probably the worst of the top-order dismissals given the shot came at 18 for 5 - and Moeen Ali missed a full toss. His fourth, however, was all down to Kane Williamson's wonder grab at gully.
Wagner, New Zealand's leading bowler over the last two years, only got as far as loosening up. That should make for an interesting beer when he catches up with Cook. It was the first time New Zealand had dismissed a side by using just two bowlers.
Yet, even accounting for the excellence of the bowling, it was an embarrassing display from England. They did not see this two-Test series as the moment to make significant changes after the Ashes, although in the end James Vince lost his place due to the uncertainty over Stokes' bowling workload. In truth, many of the dismissals smacked of players short of time in the middle but it would be unfair on New Zealand to make this another debate about truncated warm-ups. Suffice to say, England were badly off the pace with the pink ball in Hamilton.
Their batting woes followed them into the field. There was a run-out chance first ball of the innings, when Jeet Raval called for a nervous single to cover. Then Broad had another dropped chance chalked against his name when Root spilled Raval at second slip. The 400th wicket had to wait a bit longer. A captain thinking of other things? He certainly had much to ponder.